Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”