Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop