Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.