BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
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Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
same but as an audience member
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?