BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.