BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
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A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.