because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Only Americans understand
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
not seeing the problem
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.