because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
they should create new variants of dopamine
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.