because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.