Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug