Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

R.I.P.

This is true.