Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
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Can鈥檛 stop laughing.. 馃槀
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i鈥檝e kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it鈥檚 conditioner
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There鈥檚 a lovely key change at the end.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[meeting girlfriend鈥檚 dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
“you鈥檙e the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”