@AndrewNadeau0

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

- @AndrewNadeau0

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@bombchelle87

How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?

@Marlebean

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

@pixelatedboat

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

@GrillinChillin9

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

@notchyos

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman

@matt___nelson

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

@prufrockluvsong

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

@ThaJawn

*buys soap on a rope

Cashier: Paper or plastic?

Me: Neither.. I’ll wear it out thanks