Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
it must be school picture day
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
good morning
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.