Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?