Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder