Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth