Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud