Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?