Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Friday night party time 🥳
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
SONOFA
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
True freaking story!