“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.