[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Woke up against my better judgement again
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.