Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

Support your local cemetery

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.