Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

If you know, you know 😂🚔

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.