Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what