Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

PARKOUR

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.