BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
For those that worship cheese..
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
