BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
