Become a minion. Get that bread.
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
⛄️
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Saturday
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.