Become a minion. Get that bread.
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them