Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
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[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas