Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.