Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea