Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”