Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Breakfast in bed.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
They’re not wrong
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.