Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.