become ungovernable
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Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.