Become ungovernable.
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done