BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
You Might Also Like
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The point of your 20s
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying