BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”