BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
You Might Also Like
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”