Become ungovernable.
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Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
British people
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?