Become ungovernable.
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
True story 🤣
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE