Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

Thursday

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*