*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Thursday
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”