*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Good boy 😂😂
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”