*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”