[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
You Might Also Like
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it