Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
You Might Also Like
love it when they get my name right
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Creative Problem Solving
very niche meme I made
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.