Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A game married people play.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
twitter is a journey
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
who called it hell and not heaven’t
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now