@PFTompkins: Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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@QwertyJones3: GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting! ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won't eat them anymore. DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
@splegge: Put a pill in wife's mouth while asleep "WTF you doing?" "for your headache." "I don't have one!" Just what I wanted to hear! *unzip flys
@3sunzzz: Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?