Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My zodiac sign is pistachio
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate