Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
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New Cartoon for Alta magazine
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I think my husband is beginning to suspect