‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME