‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.