‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
they finally got him. they got macavity
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.