‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat