Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.