Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Cats (2019)
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*exercises sarcastically*
Pleading insanity in small claims court