becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
It’s a gift
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat