becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My favorite type of men is ramen.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there