Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…