becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ