Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I am having an out of money experience.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it