Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

#SCOTUS one-star review

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Practicing safe sax

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”