@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

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@GoldenSpirals

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

@Fact

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

@BuckyIsotope

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@iwearaonesie

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

@GirrlGenius

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

@HoldinCoffeeld

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

@tastefactory

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire