@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

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@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

@dugglebutt

I ate three McRibs today because I want to read all of War and Peace on the toilet tomorrow

@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

@LindaInDisguise

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@JoParkerBear

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

@pharmasean

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

@HeyJennyConway

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.