(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn


I ate three McRibs today because I want to read all of War and Peace on the toilet tomorrow


I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.


I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.


[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf


If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.


My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.


Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf


My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.