Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
when mom throws a party…
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.