Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”