I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
*trying to do a quick errand*
Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps
FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.