Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

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I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving


How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄


I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.



Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.


*trying to do a quick errand*

Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps


FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.


therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am


“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect


Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.


I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.