Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
This will never not be funny 😭
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Fights fire with marshmallows
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.