Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
President The Rock Obama
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.