Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Blocked: 1985

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

How dramatic are you?

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

If I ignore life will it go away?

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying